It’s a beginning to a new year and I’ve allowed for ample time to reflect upon things that truly matter, and to allow myself to better understand the life I lead. This is an honest entry into my life, and I promise to be honest and genuine through it all. This is a practice of honest reflection through a lens of love and kindness.
I began 2018 on a completely different note than I ended it. I was going into the 4th year of my relationship with my ex, I was living and working in Maine, and I was sorting out what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I had an apartment in Maine that felt like a true home with a significant other I believed was my last significant other.
But things change. People change. And I change right along with it all. I used to say ” I can’t ask for anything more” while sitting in my living room while hugging my ex. And I truly meant that. I appreciate how insightful I was to identify what matters most to me so early- a feeling of satisfaction, a feeling of warmth and love, a feeling of being “at home” with it all, and someone to share it with. In those moments, I found what I had been seeking all my life. And it was all around me. Those times will always bring pure joy to my heart.
She usually gave me a confusing look when I uttered that nonsensical phrase: “I can’t ask for anything more”. She’s as ambitious as they come. She heard those words and believed- “is this truly all he wants in life? Where was the ambitious guy I fell in love with? Where is the one that would stop at nothing to pursue what he desires? Where did he go?” Unfortunately for us both, she didn’t recognize what I meant by it all.
This life has taught me a whole long list of things, but the most important is we’re all searching for happiness; we all desire contentment and satisfaction. We want to feel loved and appreciated. And in those moments, I felt all those emotions all at once and I couldn’t have been happier. Truly, couldn’t have “asked for anything more” for those moments to be perfect. I fell into that feeling, and that was a double edged sword.
On one hand, this was all I ever wanted and I finally had it, on the other hand that comfort breed complacency in me. Comfort soothed my ambitious mind. It lulled my drive, my spark, my growth, to sleep. It forced me to go against my number one “truth” in life- everything is temporary, everyone is fluid, and nothing stays the same. It raised an internal conflict between my desired reality being achieved and my future desires being quelled. I began to go against everything I’ve ever preached by being sucked into a state of comfort.
Problem was all these insights were developed in hindsight. I couldn’t see how much satisfying my desires and pushing new desires aside was affecting me.
I exchanged my temporary “what is” for my future “what can’s”.
And that terrified her. She went inward and pushed me away, whether it was for reminding me that I needed to continue to expand as a human, or it was because she wanted what I was before, regardless of the intentions the outcome was the same- she didn’t love the person I decided to be.
What a life right?
My own love of what I created is what destroyed it. If I just continued to be passionately pursuing my desires and ignoring what I already had, she would have stayed.
But, there’s a catch here.
She was never meant to stay.
In any one moment there are an infinite number of paths life can take. And I truly mean infinite; anything the rational mind, or for some irrational mind, can produce can occur.
Then what decides the path you take? Luck? Focus? Intent?
An honest man would say-
“I have no idea. I truly don’t know. But what I do know is- if I keep focusing on things that give me happiness, it tends to lead me on a trail that brings more of those things into my life.”
She brought me happiness, and a lot of memories I will cherish for my entire life. And because of that, I know she was never meant to stay. Because something so positive in my life wouldn’t leave unless it (she) was meant to.
I was on the correct path. Whether I liked it in the moment or not, I knew this was the right path.
Happiness doesn’t lie. True joy and bliss cannot be faked. It’s a key sign of being where you’re supposed to be.
You’re always exactly where you’re supposed to be. Always. That is a fact, and it doesn’t matter if it isn’t a fact- you cannot change it. There’s only one moment you are living always, and that will never change. You cannot experience multiple moments at once- that is just a limitation to our current reality. And with that limitation brings a choice- you can decide to follow joy or you cannot.
Without her leaving me, I wouldn’t have seen all this. I wouldn’t have realized how far I had fallen from my ambition. And trust me, I love my ambitious side. I love figuring out what life has in store for me, and I love venturing after it all.
It all reminded me who I am, and how much I want to accomplish in this life. As I write this, there is truly a laundry list of items that I want to do; highlighting the “want” in that statement.
Here is the bottom line, and the main piece I want to impart to you-
Thank the people who push you to continue in life, regardless if they wronged or hurt you, thank them.
“Thank you for your part in helping me be the joyous person I am because without you, I wouldn’t be me.”
In my case, I thank my ex for leaving me, because without her doing that, I wouldn’t have gone back to uncomfortable and determined. So thank you for it all. May you find solace in your journey.
May you all find solace in thanking the ones in your past.